The Mother Wound

The Mother Wound

The abandonment and betrayals of “fathers” has the corollary of “mothers” not protecting us or providing our nurturance. It is the mother not stepping in like a grizzly bear,  subduing the predator wanting to harm the cub. It is the mother who denies that her child has been abused by the father or father figure (betrayers). 

This wound is felt within one as a profound sense of unworthiness. “I must not be loved; how could something like that happen if I were truly loved?” 

“The trail of tears” has brought whole civilizations to this point. The Father-land abusing, the Great Mother, not protecting. Father go off to work or war and come home abused, corrupted, and toxically shamed. Our collective ignorance and our natural innate healing process (repetition compulsion) allowing no choice but to pass the wounding on . . . even to our own loved ones. Wives, lovers and children.

The story is told of the father who on leaving work in the morning is hugged and encouraged to have good luck when he asks for a raise at work. Times are hard!

Returning his family expectantly greet him at the door only to be met with a scowl and angry retort. The smell of beer for-warned that all did not go well. When asked how it went he angrily retorts that he not only didn’t get the raise; he was fired. Brushing her aside their son pulls on her skirt and she shooes him aside. The boy hits the girl who kicks the dog who chases the cat who knocks over the lamp: Bedlam!

Had the father not “nursed” his wounds with alcohol; instead coming straight home to the warmth and comfort of the hearth where the couple could have figured out their next move: Had the mother stopped him at the door and expected decorum and love the bedlam could have been avoided.

A tall order.

In the indigenous world there are transition stages for when one leaves and enters the village, for the world outside the village is problematically toxic. Our homes can have the same. And, to a strong degree they need to be even more intentional, lacking the extended family and social network. No sweat lodge or men’s or women’s lodge to detoxify.

The mother wound has its roots in the deeper sense of the “Wounds of the ancestors.” Our female ancestors had witnessed and experienced their own wounding. No structure or means for processing, the wounds went under-ground; soul parts splitting off. Enabling, paralysis, denial of one sort or another then creates the repetition compulsion process.

This leads to our setting each other up to once again experience a wounding. Most often this wounding is felt in the same area of our bodies and the scenes and actors are mirroring past wounds. Our over-soul hoping if not expecting that we will wake up! That we will do our own internal work and heal!

Perhaps the very world itself is actively setting us up to “remember.” Remember, ”We are all one.” Remember, “What goes around, comes around.” Remember, “To repeat the cycle is to perpetuate the cycle.” Until we wake up and take a different path.

HBO's special on War Torn from 1860-2010 is an incredibly painful awakening for us. It is estimated that 100 % of soldiers return with PTSD. And yet, we continue to pour most of our fortunes into war games, weapons and create awful damages and destruction. THE PAIN GOES ON.

Radical Forgiveness works and has worked. It can start with each one of us. Think of one who has wronged you. Feel the pain or discomfort in your body. Breathe into it with gratitude for it's positive intent to get you to do something different. Thank that feeling and the resulting loosening of the tightness. Release that pain into prayer for healing for all involved. Visualize the outcome that is collectively healing.

Beyond this there is a need to strengthen the social bonds and protections such that one can heal. Support groups, mens, women's and gender groups that intentionally indulge in deep grieving and release work. Where is the support for finding strength to not wound and to protect children and the helpless (animals, trees, fish, insects, the waters, the very soil, on-and-on) from being wounded again and again and again. 

Straying from the theme of mother wound, or have I? The succorance and nurturing of the home and hearth allow for our hearts to be open. And, the mother is not just in women, it is the Divine Feminine. 


A mature male is one who is clear, firm, and nurturing.

The Father Wound

It has long been my generalized belief that men are more wounded then women.

I believe this has to do with the absence of dad's as healthy role models. One kind of addictive disorder or another tends to get in the way. Work, war. alcohol, sex, affairs, sports, depression or some other kind of escapism takes dads away from their sons.

At the same time most men I have known and worked with have "lost" their childhood at a very early age. Most men stopped crying at about 4 years of age.

How much of this is genetic and how much conditioning is hard to know.

Also, in this country or in all of Modernity, men tend to be raised by women. Moms and teachers teach us how to be a man. Men are too busy or detained from be present for their sons.

It seems this has been the pattern for hundreds if not thousands of years.

Joseph Weir Perry has written extensively ( Lord of the Four Quarters: The Mythology of Kingship (Jung and Spirituality Series) ) and how this has effected our very mythologies. His argument is that Feminine Goddess mythologies began to take a back seat to Storm God mythologies from 5 to 10 thousand years ago.

This was also the time of the rapid growth of City-States and expansion of territories. Kings formed armies to gain more land and slaves to increase the productivity of the State to provide for the people.
Rape, pillage and plunder abounded.

The Trail of Tears truly began thousands of years ago.

No wonder boys and men have their tears dried up. What toxic shame we are saddled with.

You may say, "Not me!" and to some degree I agree with you. However we can't not all be affected by this historical process.

This happening is "of our ancestors" and effects the very fabric of our lives, culture, recreational activities, stories, where our resources go, etc.

OUCH!

What can and does change all of this is for men to learn to process our wounded-ness, to be responsible for our own interactions. To do so means to find support for our troubled relationships and to not take on more than is our due.

In the indigenous world there were universally men's and women's lodges. In those cultures individuals could go for support and release of pent up emotions.

Increasingly individuals are finding and creating such supports in this time.

Without such support we turn to our escapes which take us from staying present with our loved ones.

The wounding carries on. The wounding is "An Accident of History." The corruption necessary for us to survive has generated a compounding of errors.

True we have gained incredible knowledge in our left-brained dominance of reality. Now, in this Age of Aquarius our feminine and masculine selves can unite, merge and women can learn to "fix" things and men to "process." This merging is, indeed the process of "The Healing Story."

Our Green Movements are all indicative that we can heal and bring about healing on a larger scale.

And, what about The Mother Wound. Tune in.

Dreaming/Envisioning

Few of us make the best use of our dreaming realities; not to mention our "envisioning." Yet, these are profoundly powerful and wonderful arenas for us to process our worldly and other-worldly experiences. To increasingly spend intentional time in our dream world is to move more freely in our corporal world.

In Carlos Casteneda's book (The Art of Dreaming) he describes an experience where he went to sleep and woke up from that dream into another dream. In that second dream he fell asleep and woke up again, into a third dream. In that third dream he experienced a corporal reality. His book Separate Reality describes in some detail moving in and out of different realities.

My own dreaming experiences, while not so "powerful" have non-the-less served as guides for personal growth, for changing my course of direction in life,  for entertaining and for relationship building.

For example, from the dream world instructions were given for me to cultivate more receptivity from others. To be open to "receiving" as well as giving. This came about through a lucid dreaming experience. (A classic book in this realm is Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming by Stephen Laberge.)

While I do not practice lucid dreaming with much intentionality my dreams often are spontaneously lucid. Several have been "big dreams": Dreams that are emotionally powerful and portend change in ones life course. Good to pay attention to such dreams! The following words describe one such big dream.

My right hand moved up and on it a white angel was dancing. I was astonished and delighted. Then my left hand rose up and out of the ether appeared a second angel. It began dancing in my left palm. In my growing astonishment and delight I explained "Look, I have Angels dancing on my palms." An audience then appeared in my dream. Angels were dancing on their palms.

I woke up from that dream into a second dream and explained, again, "Look, Angels are dancing on my palms." The audience in that dream also then experienced Angels dancing.

I woke up again into my own bed and shared that dream with my wife, Joanne. She said, "How wonderful. Your left hand is the hand of receiving. You give generously with your right hand but don't often allow yourself to receive."

Impact!

Since that time, maybe as much as a year ago, I have been more mindful of openly receiving the gifts of the Universe, from complements to agates on the beach. From that experience I received a deeper awareness of the Feng Shui of giving and receiving. The awareness that too easily and readily receive is to have even more energy and potency in giving! Reiki The Original Reiki Handbook of Dr. Mikao Usui!

This dream was cultivated by me as I had been working on open, active and intentionally receptive listening; both in my life and in my practice. The dream emphasized to me the physiological state of my left hand and right brain being more open and less blocked to being fully present in the moment. I have been paying more attention to the awareness of moving energy from the Universe through my being with my left palm (chakra) being a major receptive channel.

This awareness leads me to express the importance of intentionality in dreaming. In Laberge's book he describes (in my words) the mantra, "Tonight I am going to sleep, and when I sleep I am going to dream. When I dream I can be aware of my dream and learn to enter into it." One may need to practice this for weeks before being able to "enter" into dreams. In the mean time the act of intentionality encourages more dreaming. Also, taking any piece, image, vingette from the dream and entering it into art, writing, speaking, poetry or whatever, will prime one for bigger and bigger pieces of future dreams. Eventually, whole stories can be remembered, with characters, emotion, color and plot. These can become "life course" guidances.

Holding intentionality to remembering dreams and to entering into them as one falls asleep guarantees more exchanges between waking and dreaming.

In the mean time there are guides as to how to use dreams. One of the most celebrated dream workers and teachers is Jeremy Taylor (The Wisdom of Your Dreams: Using Dreams to Tap into Your Unconscious and Transform Your Life). His book is full of excellent guidance. One of his beliefs which I subscribe to is that dreams always serve health and wholeness.

In my dream sharing I have learned to pay special attention to the feeling state upon waking. This can guide one into dream interpretation.

Also, there are no "bad" dreams. Being chased by a dragon or beast or mad person is suggesting one look at what is pursuing. Learning to turn around and face the "beast" with the open question of "What do you have to teach me" transforms the energy from terror and fear to lightness and love.

And, as with all of life, remember that "gratitude" is the elixir.

All Roads Lead to Nirvana

Along with "We can't not evolve to higher consciousness (blog entry 3/28/10)" comes the awareness that no matter what we do we are headed in the right direction.

Even experiencing terrible things can be part of that path:  They provoke us to make changes. The changes are in our belief systems, our life style and our choice of friends and even families.

Mindfulness, meditation, yoga, psychotherapy, soul retrieval, wilderness experiences: all of these and many others can be paths to becoming fully conscious.

"Presence," becoming fully present, standing in one's own center and not being set off by anyone or anything in terms of that state of consciousness is a primary attribute of obtaining Nirvana.

For most of us the attainment is not instantaneous or occurring at birth. For most of us it is a gradual process in which we are working towards "Full Presence," "Enlightenment" or however we may see it. We do so by many means.

One of the most frequently used and under utilized paths is via our significant relationships. Most certainly with our chosen life mate and/or children.

For those of you who have been following this blog you will know my belief system and the process I profess for utilizing the path of working relationships to evolve to higher consciousness (See entry 4/15/10).

We are tremendously gifted at this time in history, especially those of us living in certain areas in the US.
We have role models, teachers, comforts, challenges and movements to keep us headed in the right direction.

Buddha, Christ, the various world religions and their precepts taught all point us in the right direction. Esther Hicks (The Vortex: Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships) and the Abraham Law, Echart Tolle and his works, Seth Speaks, Ruth Montgomery, Burke (Cosmic Consciousness (A Study in the Evolution of the Human Mind), Zen The Three Pillars of Zen: Teaching, Practice, and Enlightenment, Sufi (The Sufis), Taoism Tao Te Ching: A New English Version (Perennial Classics),Ken Keyes (Handbook to Higher Consciousness (Keyes, Jr, Ken) and many many others all point out the way. These few are among my readings and studies following a life long interest in spirituality, healing and enlightenment.

What becomes very clear after considering these various approaches is that the paths are many; and, there is not one "right" path but many.

These various paths and which one works best for you are determined by many variables.

Of real importance is ones clear intention. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, in my field, psychotherapy what seems to work is not diagnosis or medication but: 1. The clients determination to heal, 2. The therapists belief in themselves; and 3. The clients belief in the therapist.

It is my belief that the same findings can be applied to the decision to obtain higher consciousness.

What works for you? What speaks to you?

What comes across your path after you make the decision to heal or to become a higher conscious being, a more loving or helpful and productive prosperous soul?

Don Juan in Carlos Castenada's work (I believe it was in Journey to Ixtlan, Journey to Ixtlan: The Lessons of Don Juan) talks about omens and confirmation from the Universe. After we make some clear decision and start on a path we will be given omens. When we note those omens as omens yet have some questions about whether or not they are such; we will be given confirmation from the universe.
According the shamanic wisdom, our power animals or familiars will appear in one form or another, in a book, in real life, in our dreams or wherever. Attending to what we have been thinking, believing and realizing puts it all together for us. It strengthens our belief and motivation to continue to move in the direction in which we have been going.

The obverse of this is that when we are not committed or decisive then we are often besieged by contradictory omens and confirmations. When we are clear, the Universe responds to us with decisive clarity! This provokes us to become more decisive and change. Shades of The Law of Attraction!

In Consideration of "Response"

When we take a deeper look at "react" it doesn't take much to break it into "re" and "act." To once again act! This awareness reminds me of the "repetition compulsion" that I make much of. It is an underlying process that moves us to higher consciousness. The compulsion to repeat actions so that we can learn even more about those acts.

But, what about "respond?" Wikepedia has much to say about "response" in the context we are using it  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response ). It also talks about response in several different senses as "call and response" in Liturgy as well as physiological responses to external stimuli.

We see "re" again but what does "sponse" mean. It is not even an English word. A deeper research links it to "spondere" and indicates "pledge" and "promise" http://www.thefreedictionary.com/respond. So respond would be to "once again" pledge or promise. This older understanding of response helps me in my argument that to respond via quietly finding, speaking and staying with one's truth has a certain sacred aspect to its meaning! There is a certain imperative that compels us to connect and re-connect with our significant others. It is a matter not just of survival but of thriving.

It is interesting to me that inside of respond is the word "pond". A quiet still pond for reflection. Taking "time out" suggests finding a calm place to reflect on what is happening. It suggests meditation and "pondering". My own personal practice and recommendation after some challenging exchange is to get centered, form an intention and then go into a meditative or mindfulness space. After a period of time "Right Action" becomes apparent!

All of that is very "heady." And, as one of my mentors, Malidome Some Ritual: Power, Healing and Community (Compass) challenges us to live by this African folklore: "Knowledge is in the head, Wisdom in the body; and, when the two meet in the heart, Truth is know!"

To find Presence through "quiet" allows us to connect the dots to get out of our heads, into our bodies and to speak our truths.

My Truth is: Finding Presence is our First Priority!

So much for now!

Back to Time Outs: Learning to Respond vs. React

Along with "The purpose of my life is to become fully integrated!" comes the idea of becoming "present." See Fire in the Mind: Science, Faith, and the Search for Order; Biography of Joseph Campbell.

When we are present we are fully aware of what is going on and of where we are. Much too often as Westerners we are "In our heads!" We are thinking more than we are realizing. We are not engaging in conversation with others but arguing and reasoning independently by spending more time with internal dialogue than with external dialogue. This usually happens with some kind of perceived threat. Most often to our egos and not to our bodies.

Frequently those moments lead to distancing between people. Especially in families. That leads to hurt and feelings of abandonment and disrespect. In my work with couples one of most critical tasks is to help them learn to be active and reflective listeners. With couples just entering into the process of learning to take time outs and be reflective it is often the case that as one person talks the other's eyes are roving around or they are looking down. These mannerisms are reflections of their internal arguing, excusing, or accusing. Blanking out is usually indicated by a blank staring quality.

At this point I begin to direct the interactions so that both parties can know when they are engaging in conversation and not deflecting into fighting, escaping or freezing.

Frequently for them to get back to being with each other one person or both must engage in the process of taking some time to themselves.

Here is what I teach; and, use almost daily in my own life:

Find a quiet place or, if not possible just go to a quiet place inside yourself.  Take several deep breaths, and come into paying attention to your senses.

• What do you feel in your body? Take some time to do an inventory of major physiological experiences.

• What do you hear? Near and far away. What qualities of sound? (Usually by this time I am very much into awareness and not thinking.

• What do you see? Near and far away. What qualities of sight?

• When you are very much aware turn your thoughts to the dialogue that brought about the reaction and ponder: At what point did you "split off" from presence to reaction and thinking? Was it critical to your health and welfare? If so than find a new way to interact (more on this later). What kinds of feelings were you experiencing; particularly in your core? Regardless, what are your memories and reflections on when else you had similar feelings and experiences? What did that dynamic of interaction remind you of in your personal history? (This process leads to feelings as portals through which personal integration is facilitated!)

• Notice that when you revisit some memories the feelings get stronger! Again, take some time out such that you can come back into the moment. Stay with that until you are feeling calm and secure.

Often the past is very much alive in our present.

When that happens it is indicative of where some personal work needs to happen; either by yourself with calm personal reassurances to yourself or with others, professional or good friends. Both are capable of enabling you to return to fixating on the rightness or wrongness of what has happened; and, not healing. This process teaches watching your own internal dialogue when your working out past problematic areas.

Know that the Time Out Process is critical to our advancement emotionally, spiritually and as a species. Coming back to center is healing and allows for clarification and expansion of our awareness of our connectiveness to all of creation. It is in this space that we are able to flow with those grander energies and not fight the currents or truths that want and need to be honored.

Time Outs, Turkey and the Wisdom of Rumi!

Near a month has passed!

It can be said that I took a prolonged "Time Out" to work on some of my issues. It can more honestly be said that I "followed a leader" and "let things go!"

Three weeks to Istanbul, on the Turkish coast line of the Mediterranean sailing in an 80 foot sail boat and then touring on the Silk Road in Central Turkey. I was with family, a group of 13 of us guided by a superb professional who works for OAT, Overseas Adventure Tours.

One highlight for me was visiting Rumi's home Mosque and his Tomb. Then to witness a Whirling Dervish Ceremony in a historical Carevanserai. One of the hundreds of safe havens built over a century ago to protect the caravans along the Silk Road.

Some Widom for Rumi!

Seven Advices of Mevlana (Rumi's Sufi or Islamic name)

1. In generosity and helping others be like a river . . .
2. In compassion and grace be like the sun . . .
3. In concealing others'faults be like night . . .
4. In anger and fury be like dead . . .
5. In modesty and humility be like earth . . .
6. In tolerance be like a sea . . .
7. Either exist as you are or be as you look . . .

While one hears and reads about the violence of the Muslims what we all experienced was more of the above nature of the Turkish peoples. Very considerate and caring. Even in the Bazaars! When in Egypt we were accosted by others to purchase items. In Turkey we were engaged in conversations with interest and patience.

Needless to say most all of us experienced a revisiting of our stereotypes of the Islamic Culture.

Apparently the radical Islamic population are extensively only in the Eastern Provinces of Turkey. The Western and Central regions evidenced the wisdom and culture of Rumi!

When we visited his tomb in the Mevlana Museum in the city of Konya I was impressed with the large crowds of Muslims who came to visit his tomb, to make a point to rub some of the stonework and the, in a word, worship his brand of Islam.

Speaking of stonework; I have been to Italy and Egypt, Peru and other areas where ancient ruins of stone existed. Never have I seen so many layers of stonework ruins. Turkey, of course, with Istanbul is at the cross-roads of so many cultures. Not only the Turks, Romans and Grecians but also the Egyptians, Phoenicians, Persians and others, going back to 5000 BC. We visited ruins where existed evidence of all of those cultural influences. The earliest stonework, torn down by invaders, earthquakes or floods were used to become the foundations of the next culture to establish itself along the Coastal areas or along The Silk Road.

Now, how was that for a "time out" experience!

What I learned more than anything was the temporal nature of my attitudes and behaviors. The proverbial spot on the eye of the gnat of the Universe! Can't take myself as seriously as I used to.

And yet, what a profound influence one person can have on a whole world! Rumi!

Makes me consider and re-consider Sufism!